If Your Not The One…

I was working on my class assignment but I couldn’t continue before I got this out of my mind. I have spent several weeks thinking about you, us. My eyes have been opened to something new, maybe something real. Every time I think of it I feel exhilarated and at the same time stifled. I want to jump and at times I want to crawl in to a hole and never emerge to the warmth of the sun’s rays.

I ask myself why I love you so much, why I can’t let go of you and cease to be ‘selfish’ for not wanting you to be the man I thought you were. For seven years I have known of you, I created an ideal of who I thought you were. Something that I was comfortable that you were, that made me feel secure. I know now that that was a lie a lie that almost jeopardized everything. I feel that now I am getting to know you.

But however much being with you now is a new experience, I still find myself burdened with an unconditional love for your being. I ask myself why, why you, what has he done to deserve this? Why do I feel endeared to him? What outstanding thing has he done for you that ideally, once again perceived, a ‘real’ man should do? The answer, unfortunately nothing much.

But why do I stay? Why do I long to be in your arms, cup your face in my palms and gaze endlessly into your gorgeous baby eyes and feel your supple, dark countenance. Even thinking about you right now takes me to places no man has ever taken me. You have shown me nothing but respect and kindness that only God can repay. You never took advantage of me sexually which at times almost made me feel unattractive and unwanted, you have tried to explain it; you do care. I just need to learn that things may not always play out with us as they ideally would, with other people, in a similar situation.

Maybe listening to this sensual 60’s music may not be helping me right now. But being with you yesterday and seeing a glint of something intangible but emotionally exhilarating, I was drawn to you again. I don’t know how long this cycle will go on, of falling in and out of love with you, or even if it should end. I am learning that friendship is more important than romance with us. Again I ask myself why, why you? I fight the counter argument ‘why not you?’, because that might just be me being selfish again. And the response isn’t that you are perfect, perfection doesn’t exist, it is a human creation of an ill conceived premise.

After much thought as I walked home today I had an answer to why, maybe, I might never stop loving you in this life time. You made sweet and tender love to me…without laying a finger on me. You gently spread my world to new horizons, kissing and caressing new revelations of my being and taking me to new orgasmic realms of a fulfilled life and existence.

Anyone who can give another human being that much mental intimacy, something that you only see once in a lifetime is worth cultivating. I am on a new journey with you. I want to start a fresh with you. I would first like to introduce myself and start on a clean slate.

Hi, I am Stephanie, you can call me Steph if you like, what’s your name?


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