Rigged Love

It has been six years since I met Teddy. It started off as a joke really, at work, I would taunt him, softly, he was easy to bully. He was cool! And he played along without complaint. We started having lunch together, most of the time I bashed his work, it started off more on a general stance. I felt that people in his department were lethargic and I felt it was prudent to point out that when they screw up our department catches all the heat.

The discussions shifted from work, to life in general, philosophical debates on Socrates and John Locke to episodes of Tom & Jerry. We both loved the Fred Quimby produced version and detested the ugliness of today’s animations. It was refreshing. Most of my life I have been told that I intimidate men. It felt great to be with a man who enjoys my company and saw beyond what everyone else saw.

It started off cordial, and with time there was an emotional attachment. It was then I started noticing how attractive he actually was, he smelt great and his clothes, man, we may work in blue collar, but when he whips off his overalls and slips back into his khakis and tweed jacket, darn! My heart melts, handsome son of a gun! I loved the way we would exchange silent gazes and smiles at lunch.

We discovered we lived close to each other and we would go home together, we would talk for ages. We would walk from the bus stop and just sit on the verandah of an apartment block and talk for an extra two to three hours, getting home at midnight. It was never anything romantic, purely life, career and mostly politics and philosophy. Teddy was so awesome to be around! Fabulous chap!

It all changed one evening after our long talk, as I hugged him goodbye he mumbled something. And then I asked him what he was going on about. This was about two years of just talking. “I want to do something and I am not sure I should.” I told him to make it like Nike and Just do it! I was utterly clueless at what was to happen next. Teddy kissed me and ran like a shy 10 year old. I laughed at him as he ran home. “Good night Teddy”. One hand waving high in the air as he ran.

My heart raced, I was confused, but what was ignited in me wasn’t going to die at all. Since that kiss 2 years ago, we’ve gotten close to making love. But never had, the last time, in the heat of the moment, Teddy said that I deserved better. I was crushed. Thoroughly. I thought that was my decision to make. He made it for me, he disqualified himself from my life. I don’t know how to shake him off, ignoring him helps at times. Then there are moments I smell him and remember the jokes and laughter. I feel completely horrible and unsure of what to do with myself. How do I rid myself of this dreadful burden? How do I let go of this man, who I fell madly in love with?

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