Still here – Sunday 22nd February Entry

I have been really nervous lately, not quite sure what to do with myself or what is making me so anxious. When I think of what I am doing, I still don’t understand why exactly it is that I am nervous; there is nothing to be nervous about.

Just woke up from weird dream, I blame watching too much Leverage on it. It had one of my pastors screaming like a wild animal, he had been busted having done something. Wait! No, Leverage has nothing to do with it. This is all because of the lunch conversation I had with Paul. He told me a friend of his was conned by a Pastor of some church.

A pastor with a pharmaceutical distribution business (don’t even ask) had refused to pay over half of the money owed to the supplier, and now it was a criminal case. The only concern was the Pastor was going to pay off the cops and nothing would be done.

If I had the energy, I would ramble on on how rotten this country is. I am tired. I don’t understand why I have been so tired today. All I did was go shopping for about 2 hours yesterday, wake up a normal timing for a meeting, and then head back home tired. I have been tired, and I really don’t understand why at all?

I have barely been able to make much headway with anything. I met Steve yesterday, that conversation was enlingthening. That is a conversation for another day, he texted me scripture today that doesn’t make much sense to me.

I just started the year not wanting to do anything. Nothing at all, I just want to crawl in to a cave and be there alone. Nothing much excites me these days. Most of the time I am more concerned with what’s going on with Andrea. She worries me.

She has fought really hard, getting stronger, she’s back on her feet. She is an inspiration. I realize I get really upset and unsettled when she wakes up unwell. I pray that she won’t have to go through any more chemo. I hate what it does to her. I hate it.

I have been crushing on Ethan again, every time I see him I want to give us a chance again. But a stronger part of me reminds me that he wasn’t worth it then, and he isn’t worth it now. He may have changed, but like what my BFF says, “If a man really wants to be with you, he will go to the ends of the earth to be with you, distance and time is never an excuse.” It took 10 years to realize that.

It is harder being honest with yourself and knocking sense into your self. So here I am not quite in the mood to live life, or engage with people. But life has no pause button; it goes on even as you freeze in the moment. Need to go and get dinner ready, need to sleep early today. I have a long day tomorrow.


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