Entry – Monday 16th February 2015

Anger and depression has been the burden that I have carried for the past few months, life hasn’t made much sense. I know the “think positive” mojo and focus on what you can fix here and now. I know that. At times I find it more comforting to wallow in self pity. I did that for a while then I got really bored of it.

I discovered the TV and TV series and that is all I had the heart to engage with. I wake up everyday grateful that I am alive, but I wonder what I really have to offer the world anymore. I am not really interested in suicide; that seems like a cop out on life. I know and understand that this is a phase I am going through. I am learning to put other people’s needs before mine, but nothing prepared me for what I was to walk in to.

Great days, horrible days, anger, frustration, loneliness and then laughter – roller-coaster of emotions that only you and God can make sense of. I prayed this morning when rolled out of bed. I just asked God for his strength and his favour. Because I have nothing else to give, I am a mass of moving flesh and spirit with no idea what direction I should move in.

Do I mind? Most of the time I really don’t; I wish I could press pause on life and nothing else will happen. I can take a 3 month pause and when I have figured things out, press play and life continues. Shame it doesn’t work that way.

Married, single, divorced, depressed, new parents, experienced parents, employed, self employed, angry landlord, threatened tenant, I see them all when I take a walk through the mall. The frustration, the joy, the confused, the apathetic, we are all there. We all wonder what the hell we are here for. Only recently I began to ask myself for how long am I here? Reminiscing on what life would be like if my lost loved ones were never taken from me. Bliss I thought!

Nothing but bliss, can I pause the present and rewind the past and undo the evil that caused me so much heart ache? Can I? Could I bring back my father and sisters? Could I? What would it be like to hug them again and hear their voices, feel their presence in a room? Only for just one minute, just one, can I steal a moment of joy and watch their faces light up as they chat?

But here I am on a bed, on a bright day with a cool breeze kissing my bare feet in front of me. I wonder why life has to be this complex, this sad, this confusing. Why? I ask? Why? I crave for sleep to knock me out of this reality into one more blissful and peaceful, where everything makes sense, and no hurt and confusion reside, a place where no obligations are placed upon me, simply because of my age and status.

Here I lie, type and breath, fighting my closing eye lids to pretend I care about career progression and elevated socioeconomic status. But in all honestly; all I want is peace and joy. The rest really are details.

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