Still here – Sunday 22nd February Entry

I have been really nervous lately, not quite sure what to do with myself or what is making me so anxious. When I think of what I am doing, I still don’t understand why exactly it is that I am nervous; there is nothing to be nervous about.

Just woke up from weird dream, I blame watching too much Leverage on it. It had one of my pastors screaming like a wild animal, he had been busted having done something. Wait! No, Leverage has nothing to do with it. This is all because of the lunch conversation I had with Paul. He told me a friend of his was conned by a Pastor of some church.

A pastor with a pharmaceutical distribution business (don’t even ask) had refused to pay over half of the money owed to the supplier, and now it was a criminal case. The only concern was the Pastor was going to pay off the cops and nothing would be done.

If I had the energy, I would ramble on on how rotten this country is. I am tired. I don’t understand why I have been so tired today. All I did was go shopping for about 2 hours yesterday, wake up a normal timing for a meeting, and then head back home tired. I have been tired, and I really don’t understand why at all?

I have barely been able to make much headway with anything. I met Steve yesterday, that conversation was enlingthening. That is a conversation for another day, he texted me scripture today that doesn’t make much sense to me.

I just started the year not wanting to do anything. Nothing at all, I just want to crawl in to a cave and be there alone. Nothing much excites me these days. Most of the time I am more concerned with what’s going on with Andrea. She worries me.

She has fought really hard, getting stronger, she’s back on her feet. She is an inspiration. I realize I get really upset and unsettled when she wakes up unwell. I pray that she won’t have to go through any more chemo. I hate what it does to her. I hate it.

I have been crushing on Ethan again, every time I see him I want to give us a chance again. But a stronger part of me reminds me that he wasn’t worth it then, and he isn’t worth it now. He may have changed, but like what my BFF says, “If a man really wants to be with you, he will go to the ends of the earth to be with you, distance and time is never an excuse.” It took 10 years to realize that.

It is harder being honest with yourself and knocking sense into your self. So here I am not quite in the mood to live life, or engage with people. But life has no pause button; it goes on even as you freeze in the moment. Need to go and get dinner ready, need to sleep early today. I have a long day tomorrow.


Entry – Monday 16th February 2015

Anger and depression has been the burden that I have carried for the past few months, life hasn’t made much sense. I know the “think positive” mojo and focus on what you can fix here and now. I know that. At times I find it more comforting to wallow in self pity. I did that for a while then I got really bored of it.

I discovered the TV and TV series and that is all I had the heart to engage with. I wake up everyday grateful that I am alive, but I wonder what I really have to offer the world anymore. I am not really interested in suicide; that seems like a cop out on life. I know and understand that this is a phase I am going through. I am learning to put other people’s needs before mine, but nothing prepared me for what I was to walk in to.

Great days, horrible days, anger, frustration, loneliness and then laughter – roller-coaster of emotions that only you and God can make sense of. I prayed this morning when rolled out of bed. I just asked God for his strength and his favour. Because I have nothing else to give, I am a mass of moving flesh and spirit with no idea what direction I should move in.

Do I mind? Most of the time I really don’t; I wish I could press pause on life and nothing else will happen. I can take a 3 month pause and when I have figured things out, press play and life continues. Shame it doesn’t work that way.

Married, single, divorced, depressed, new parents, experienced parents, employed, self employed, angry landlord, threatened tenant, I see them all when I take a walk through the mall. The frustration, the joy, the confused, the apathetic, we are all there. We all wonder what the hell we are here for. Only recently I began to ask myself for how long am I here? Reminiscing on what life would be like if my lost loved ones were never taken from me. Bliss I thought!

Nothing but bliss, can I pause the present and rewind the past and undo the evil that caused me so much heart ache? Can I? Could I bring back my father and sisters? Could I? What would it be like to hug them again and hear their voices, feel their presence in a room? Only for just one minute, just one, can I steal a moment of joy and watch their faces light up as they chat?

But here I am on a bed, on a bright day with a cool breeze kissing my bare feet in front of me. I wonder why life has to be this complex, this sad, this confusing. Why? I ask? Why? I crave for sleep to knock me out of this reality into one more blissful and peaceful, where everything makes sense, and no hurt and confusion reside, a place where no obligations are placed upon me, simply because of my age and status.

Here I lie, type and breath, fighting my closing eye lids to pretend I care about career progression and elevated socioeconomic status. But in all honestly; all I want is peace and joy. The rest really are details.