Nollywood saved my Life

“I almost jumped in front of a speeding car tonight. Full headlights and rain drenching me it felt like the best way to end it all. It was over, I popped by Doreen’s to get a quick fix, she was out, how was I going to go through the night and tomorrow without a hit. I passed by Bob’s and lit up, maaan that cigarette man, the first drag…sensational.

All the way home, I had planned how I was going to end it all; I was torn between my wrists or a single neck -snap. I needed it quick and clean then I turned on the TV and to my pure fascination, it was Naija night! Hahahahaha! You have to love these Nigerian movies straight to DVD. The acting is so bad and the plot… worse, but you still have to watch it. It is like all those Hollywood ‘B’ movies that rip off real movies like Atlantic Rim instead of Pacific Rim type stuff.

So here is the quintessential polished Nigerian who has lived abroad in a board room in a job interview, she rambles on in her fancy accent and highlighted weave before a panel of three, two men and a woman. The music builds up with some weird fusion of eerie and comical sounds. The scene shifts to a woman seizing. I had no clue where this seizing woman was, frothing at the mouth, and another woman howling at the scene.

Oh! So that was at the reception? Right! The interviewers exit from the boardroom to see what’s going on and leave the dashing caramel skinned interviewee in the room.

They just stand there and stare at the woman seizing and say they would not employ her. And that’s it. Why they hell am I narrating a pathetic Nigerian movie? I am so glued watching and typing, it is a train wreck, you know what’s coming but you still have to see it. Hehehehe! The accents, the terrible cinematography, the schizophrenic script and plot and the weaves, hehehehehe! Oh! The weeeeeaves.

A song has just come to my head by a Nigerian songstress whose name is escaping me.

“I am looking for my Johnnie…..” with African percussion in the background. Oh! Man, I think Africa needs to genuinely thank Nigeria for keeping the African story alive in literature and film. Hehehehe! Oh! You need to see what I am watching, hehehehe, the acting is so baaad! The weaves look like headdresses the size of what Vegas show girls wear. Lord…..sorry what was I saying…earlier…. Hahahahahahaha! …Oh! Nigeria thank you!”

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