And so it was, she asked a gazillion questions never got an answer and was lonely on this earth. Really? Is that how the story would really go? Are you super sure? Just as I thought…no. Let me take you back to the life of Hannah a very lonely young woman? She spent most of her time locked up in the house, listening to music at least a decade old and reading endlessly.
Hannah had friends, she kept everyone at bay. Initially it was because of previously experienced hurt, she eventually healed; that was years before. Right now she just really didn’t have anything to say. Most recently her visitations with people would end up in an uncomfortable lull in conversation. Silence. She just felt that she had nothing to give or contribute to anyone. She didn’t want to open her mouth to complain, criticize or share her wishes anymore. She had been taking stock of her life and she realized that there were a lot of things she said she would do but hadn’t. A lot she wished to do, she didn’t because she was afraid and threw it in the back burner, criticized those who tried and herself did nothing. Now she was in a state of revision, replaying every conversation, every note written, every list of ‘to-do’s she needed to execute and was stunned by how inadequately she had been living her life.
She needed to withdraw and really honestly talk to herself and her maker and get herself back on track. Hannah was fully aware she was living grossly below her potential. She was aware that what kept her from achieving was fear. And now she was overcoming it. She now needed to be honest with herself as to who she was and why she did what she did. Hannah recently realised that she had spent most of her life pleasing the people she cared about the most; her value was in what her friends perceived of her. She realised amidst the very outspoken, confident and somewhat driven self. She felt inadequate deep down. And that unaddressed inadequacy in the long run would be the sinker of her life.
Hannah was now a bit more cautious about what she said to and about others. And she realised she had more negative than positive to offer, hence the silence. She wasn’t into people pleasing, but investing in a new way of life, one that builds. And she felt the need to do that by spending her time listening to music and digging herself in books. She felt a thirst and need for wisdom. A wisdom that would cure her of the inadequacy and mediocre life, a new lease of life as Hannah, and not as what others have said she is or should be.
How long would this reflection, study and meditation take? Hannah had no idea, but this time she needed to get it right with herself before she got it right with others. However much she felt awful for shutting others out.