Terry had been having conversations with herself for the past few months every evening she went home. She always had a book in her bag, but there was just something about going home in the evening that stopped her mind from doing anything else other than constantly asking herself, “Who am I?” She looked at how far she had come. For the first time in her life she was happy to be a year older, but still confused at where she should be going…well…nope! She was confused.
You see, Terry knew she was made for greatness; her entire family told her, her friends rubbed it in even more. But there is some point in her life where she gave up. Terry was in the salon today for the first time in 4 years, she looked at an image of Chimamanda Adichie, her idol. She wanted to look like her. Terry had opted to grow her hair back, and now she finally knew what to do with it. It had been 6 months since she began to purposefully grow her hair back. She was possessed with a minimalist attitude towards everything. “I want a hairdresser who will braid my hair at close to no cost. The hell I am spending a bum load of cash, I used to spend 200 shillings to shave my hair once a month.” She always told her friends.
She wanted to look like a hot biker chic, but didn’t want to spend the cash to buy the clothes or the leather boots. She had this constant idea in her mind of who she wanted to be. The woman she really was, but was hiding behind sloppy clothes. It was a steady regression from where she had come from 5 years before. Again, she was afraid. She didn’t call it that, she just called it “I don’t feel like it.”
While Terry was in the hair salon reading True Love magazine she noticed something about herself she didn’t know she still did. Her tongue was constantly full of criticism. She replayed her day; her entire morning was bitching about the closure of her work space and loudly looking for another work space to work from. She had so much bile. She read the cover story, she knew the lady; she had worked with the cover model. Terry knew she had given up easy on work and other jobs because, “what was the point of it all?”
You wonder why? Because every idea she gave was shot down, she constantly wanted things to work her way. Yes, the office was generally very stifling, but she just seemed to have lost the tenacity she once had eight years ago. When Terry was a 22 year old; desperate to get into the media; no qualifications and completely unable to afford even a basic college to get certification; she feared no one. Terry used to walk in to buildings without a care in the world seeing bosses and opportunities for work. She took the risk.
Now she was seated in a salon, thinking of the business she wants to set up, the novel she needs to write, but has procrastinated writing and the “How the hell do I change that?” she keeps asking herself.