Miserable existence

I always looked at chicken with so much disdain. They stand around clucking, scratching for worms or bugs or whatever it is that they are looking for; not a care in the world. Cluck, scratch, peck, feed, run away from hawks then hover around waiting for their human masters to feed them. Then off to the coop and sleep. A full day is done. How is that? The cow that is milked, grazed, watered, grazed some more, then placed in its pen where it ruminates before it falls asleep. Why? Is that all? That’s it? Your existence is eating, walking around, drinking and then await death at the hand of the master that feeds you. Misery; pitiful.

It doesn’t seem write to call an animal unambitious. But why? We have the teenage mutant hero turtles and Bucky O’hare, and Wile Coyote screwed over repeatedly but he had a goal like Tom, he never got Jerry and always had to run away from Butch, but he had something to strive towards.

Aluoch has had this back and forth for the last three months. This evening on her way to class after the debate about, why she is avoiding her friends, she came to the conclusion that maybe writing a teen novel would be her trying too hard to prove to people that she is smart, and can produce something excellent.

Why do I constantly feel a perennial sense of inadequacy? There is a boy in my class, really attractive, love his nose, he really knows his World History and IR. I read complete chapters; understand nothing. I try to remind myself it is not a competition. It is all about what I learn and how this knowledge benefits me. My mind is constantly concocting theories and justifications for my behavior. I need a snack.

Aluoch just turned 30, and for the first time in her life, she was glad to turn a year older. She is in a new phase trying out new things and understanding herself. Just recently, she realised the man that she had loved for over a decade and had mentally married, was not the man she was meant to be with.

Aluoch had this mental perception of what kind of a man he was, she wrote a script, but failed to let him know he was the lead role; ‘Love of my life’, in the story of her life. He did not know the script or rehearse his emotions and actions well enough so he failed the part. She almost tried to rid herself of him, but after an investment of friendship that long, despite its bumpy road she realised that she, in his words, “couldn’t get rid of me that easily.”

That should be a good thing, but Aluoch realised, that spending most of her life moving from place to place, she never really made real friends. Any friendship that seemed real, she sabotaged because it was normal to not have people there. Despite the loneliness it also felt better, it felt right.

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