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Disastrous joke

Sue had been crying all night. Her eyes were puffy and red; her mouth was dry, lips pale and ashy. She stood on the ledge of the balcony arms outstretched; eyes closed sucking in the cool and fresh morning breeze. She had nothing on save for Greg’s shirt.

Greg lay dead asleep in his boxers on the couch; he slept like a baby after making love to Sue. Everything was fine till he told her he wouldn’t want to marry her. She was devastated. She sobbed. Sue hadn’t loved anyone else ever, like she had Greg. They had been on this romantic whirlwind for 3 years. But it wasn’t till last night that Sue realised that she and her beau wanted two different things. She was now 45 years old and this was the first time in close to a decade she thought she had found something real. Someone who finally got her, loved her, wanted to build a family with her. She couldn’t believe it; Greg was sober when he said what he said, with a straight face. Sue couldn’t do it anymore.

She had been in numerous dead end relationships, dragging on for years ending the same way. They had grown bored of her, the play thing was of no use, and they got rid of her. Sue thought Greg was different, but it looked like she was wrong. Now as she soaked in the morning sunshine and the cool morning breeze wrapping itself around her. She felt exhilarated. The wind came in small bouts of gush flipping the shirt up and showing the world her ‘glory’. After a few small bouts, she felt a huge gush come in and she let go. Eyes closed plummeting down floors upon floors of their 21st floor apartment, arms outstretched on either side.

A car alarm went off with a crashing thud and screams were heard. Greg didn’t flinch. He woke up 4 hours later on that Saturday morning calling out for Sue. There was no response. He thought Sue had stepped out to grab some breakfast, so he turned on the radio and heard the news.

“…21st floor…woman…jumped…this morning…suicide…” Greg panicked, that was his building they called out on radio. His apartment was the only one on the 21st floor. He heard the commotion outside and he saw her, spread eagle on top of a car roof. Gone. Just like that. Gone.

“I was joking Sue, I loved you. I swear I love you! He pulled out his engagement ring from his robe pocket.” He wept bitterly and fell in a sobbing heap on the floor.

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The Underdogs

It was half time, and it was nail biting anxiety in the campus field. Zuper’s had been losers for seasons on end. They were reinstated at the beginning of this season after three year relegation. The team’s new captain was Osman, a young Nairobi lad who swore only to football when he wasn’t giving his professors a run for their money with his sage like knowledge.

The Zuper’s had risen right from the rocks to the finals. It was a do or die; they were going for the Gold. Osman had no other option. He made that clear to the team. He didn’t care if they had their academic finals in two weeks, the team trained all day and through the night, they needed to win!

The Zuper’s didn’t have a coach; halfway through the tournament he threw in the towel quite literally in the middle of a league match when the team kicked off with a loss.

The tension in the stadium was thick. The defending champs, Rovers from Sori University were out for blood. Their pride wasn’t going to let them lose. Zuper’s had to re-strategize, they were down 1 – 0 with players being brutally injured. Bias refs weren’t going to penalize the champs for the violent tackles and kit ripping.

The only way out was clean undeniable shots, Osman, shifted the team around. He took a risk of dropping defenders and pumping up the offensive; more strikers. He had the first 20 minutes of the second half to see how that would work.

The whistle went off; game faces on.

“UUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” Rovers fans were all yelling for the kill. They wanted Zuper’s obliterated.

“GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAALLL!” Zuper fans cheered. They had equalized within the first 5 minutes of the second half. Sori’s coach called for a timeout. When the team got back on the pitch they were drooling for blood. The stadium cheers were rising to fever pitch each side cheering as loud as it could for its teams. The whistle went off Zuper had a corner kick. Zuper fans went wild. Patrick scored. The stadium went wild. But no one prepared for the ambush of kicks and head butts that landed the striker. The referee called time out.

Four red cards to the Sori team, Patrick was incapacitated, completely unconscious. It was down to 7 Rover players and Zuper’s intact team. Their lead striker off the court, 1 minute to time, it was down to penalty kicks. Paul was their only chance. He only had three shots.

‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!’ The Zuper fans yelled. Paul had missed the first two shots. One last chance to take the lead; the air was thick. Paul made a sign of the cross took a deep breath and made a running start and…  “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL!” The Zuper fans went wild, Vuvuzelas and whistles filling the stadium. They had done it; they had risen from the ashes to pure victory. Osman was so overwhelmed with emotion he fell prostrate on the ground sobbing, his teammates dog-piled on him in celebration.

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Super Book

There was a huge suction sound, followed by a scream and a huge thud and moan. Larry quickly jumped to his feet frantically looking around and trying to make sense of how he got to his current location. It was pitch dark. No sound at all. But in the distance there was a flickering flame that seemed to magically draw him to it.

“Oh! No! Ooooh! Noooo!” The suction sound again, and in an instant Larry stood on the edge of a cliff. He was 10,000 metres up in the air, he screamed and a rumbling sound followed. “Noooo!” he was free falling from the cliff down, down, down, further faster, faster, faster, his heart was racing so fast he began to feel faint. As he closed his eyes sure of his certain end, the sound raced in mid air and Larry found himself whisked in the opposite direction. He was relieved but his heart was beginning to tire from the constant shocks and jolts from one direction to the next.

His eye lids slowly opened in an expansive green field filled with daisies and dandelions. The air was laced with a gentle fragrance. He took a deep breath and exhaled with a huge smile on his face. He wanted to be here forever. The fresh air, the silence only disrupted by birds and bees, the beautiful clear blue sky. Larry closed his eyes again, but had this eerie feeling that this beautiful feeling was about to end. He was right.

The beautiful innocent buzzing sound of singular bees slowly built to a swarm casting a shadow over Larry’s body. The bees aligned themselves and made a beeline for him. It was over. Larry was so distraught, he was paralyzed; there was no saving him for sure death. Then the ground began to shake shaking violently. That could only be one thing, a stampede! And that stampede had a musical trumpet to it. This was going to be an ugly death; bee stinging and elephant trampling.

Just as he said Amen to his final prayer, he was sucked in again and opened his eyes and screamed hysterically. He found himself cradled in the arms of what looked like a dead woman. The elderly woman snapped out of the daze she was in. Her hair was a grey blanket with a bony face with skin hanging limb from it, like someone tried to peel some of it off but it was too sticky to peel off. She smelled of defecate and urine. Her breath was a mixture of halitosis and rotten eggs. It made sulphuric gas smell like the daisies he was lying in. She coughed and Larry fell off her lap with a raw thud. He hurt his hip. He lay on the floor moaning.

“What now?” He was so agitated. He was overwhelmed with so much emotion; he had escaped death twice. He looked at the frail and hooded elderly woman. She pointed with her bony fingers at a cauldron on the fire place. He raised his shoulders questioning. The boney finger pointed at a large wooden spoon about the height of a 6 year old. And then pointed at the cauldron, he put two and two together, he stuck the spoon in the cauldron and stirred. He stirred gently then after three stirs, the spoon took a life of its own bludgeoning him.

He screamed helplessly, he sounded like a gargling wounded animal. It was painful to hear. Just when he was on the ground bleeding in full surrender, the suction sound followed by the yank, which he still had not got used to, pulled him to safety.

Larry opened his eyes arms flailing screaming hysterically, shaking himself of whatever could have been crawling all over him. When he calmed down he looked around and realised that he was in his bedroom. He touched himself to check that all was intact. And then ran from corner to corner of his room just to make sure he was in his room. On his bed was a book of short stories for teens his parents had bought him, it was open. He flipped through the pages and saw pictures of where he had been. He quickly closed the book and tossed it out his bedroom window. He felt the suction, but this time it wasn’t him being transported. The book disappeared just like that. Larry saw it disappear and fainted.

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Curious Abscence

Sara dashed as fast as she could to her grandmother’s place. Her grandmother sounded really distressed. She had been ill for the past couple of months and had refused to see a doctor. Sara got home running in to the house yelling!

“Mama! Grandma?! Muuum!”

“What is it Sara? Are you ok?” Sara’ s mother asked.

Sara was flushed her mum grabbed her and held her to her tight. Sara began mumbling about Grandmother. Her mum kissed her on the head and looked her in her eyes. Mum gave an assuring smile.

“Mum?” Sara was now smiling with a quizzical look on her face. What really was going on, as she slowly pulled away from her mum she bumped into someone.

“And where are you going?” a frail voice spoke. “Grandma!” Sara rammed into her, she chuckled so hard her body began to shake. Grandma was fine. So what was the emergency all about?

“Come let me show you something.” Grandmother reached out to Sara holding her hand, leading her in to the dining room. At the table a little boy sat twiddling his thumbs. He wasn’t any older than 6. He seemed really bored, his head hung and he was completely bald.

“Hello there?” Sara leaned in to have a closer look at the shy boy. He turned his head slightly gazing at her blushed and chuckled then covered his face with his hands. He squealed in so much excitement. Sara picked him up off the seat smothering him with kisses. He laughed so hard, his laughter was pure and infectious everyone began to laugh. He wiggled his little feet.

Sara put him down then went to the kitchen to get something to drink.

“He is so cute Mama. What’s his name? Whose son is he?”

Sara’s mum’s face turned somber. As Sara turned as she sipped her juice from her glass leaning on the counter, her mum shook her head remorsefully. Sara looked at her confused. She opened her eyes and her mum nodded. Sara shook her head in disbelief. They seemed to be having a conversation without words. When mum closed her eyes and nodded her head, Sara’s mouth fell ajar and she lost grip of her glass; it fell to the floor splattering its contents all over her feet and her mother’s shattering into small pieces.

“Nooooo! Nooooo! June! Not June Mama! Nooooo!”

 

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Eco Warrior

The blades of the helicopter sliced though the air frantically. It had been circling the deep forest for hours. They had sighted a distress signal but couldn’t seem to locate a place to land in the thicket. There was a slight clearing and the pilot could see some movement below. As he looked intently trying to figure it out, he yelled out at his crew to drop the ladder. He thought he had sighted the missing Private, Milya.

Milya had been running a covert operation in the thick of the Kakamega forest milling through the ecosystem in to the DR Congo side of the ecosystem. Milya had been sent to train and arm a new resistance whose main purpose was to protect the ecosystem of the sole rainforest left on earth. The Amazon had been completely decimated and indigenous populations and cultures completely wiped out with no historical evidence of their existence or way of life. It had been 100 years since and this was the sole natural ecosystem holding human existence.

Milya had been in and out of the ecosystem over the past 2 years, but the last year had seen him station himself in Kakamega city. The East African city had a huge military powerhouse that had fought to preserve the ecosystem for the past 25 years. The last two years had seen a violent takeover of stations in the DR Congo decimating 4 Kakamega platoons. Milya was there to solely revitalize, re-arm, recruit train and refine tactics against the enemy.

Milya had sent in 15 platoons and stationed them in 10 strategic regions in the forest to fight. He had been off radio for 5 days at a time. But the recent 2 week radio silence got his superiors concerned. They sent in air support to pull him out. But what the pilot was seeing now, wasn’t a friendly troop. The individual they saw threw the foliage signaled and just like that an RPG!

A huge explosion rocked the air sending waves through the forest. Milya had a scope to his eye watching his target; the rebel leader of the Kichaka rebel group. As the explosion’s sound rippled through the air, he saw the rebel leader pause. The rebel leader smiled and signaled, the troops screamed and ran into formation in full combat gear. This was the first time that happened. It was the sign; the rebel leader had declared war. Who would win? Who would save the forest? Who would save the world?

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The Hunt Begins

Anyango and her cousins were exhausted. They had been digging since dawn. They had found nothing. They had blisters from all the digging and they were starving. Anyango was baffled they had followed the path, just as they were told in the story by Mama at dinner. How could it be that not only had they not found anything? They kept hitting rock. The area was filled with so many boulders. Kapuonja was rocky country, boulders stood majestically like gargantuan mushrooms sprouting from the ground. But there was one specific boulder they were told they could find the secrets of the ages. A secret so powerful it was first cast in to stone and stored in a chest under one magical boulder.

“I am hungry,” Maria the youngest of the group began to whine. Her brother John shoved her, “You are always hungry Maria! What do you want us to do? Feed you with the stones?” he retorted.

Maria sulked, pouting her lips giving John the evil eye. John crossed his arms imitating her pout, making Maria even angrier. “Stop it!” She yelled.

“Stop it! You always make fun of me.” Maria was now charging toward her brother. Her rush toward her brother was cut short by Cedric; he grabbed her by her wrist whisking her in the air. She screamed at first in mid air, after the second toss, her screams turned to laughter. John had moved on to pocking the termite moulds on a nearby tree. Cheryl screamed dashing past Anyango.

“What is it now?’ Anyango was pretty agitated, she was 16 years old and the ‘adult’ designate of the group. Cheryl was constantly running away from something or just being her weird self. It was like clockwork every hour she had to run screaming. This would last for 5 minutes then she would stop and go on as if nothing had happened. But this time it was her twin brother Odhiambo. He was holding a frog and chasing her about with them. Cheryl lay on the ground in exhaustion. They had all run out of the homestead after breakfast and morning chores; cleaning the compound, washing the dishes, feeding and tethering the animals and fetching water for lunchtime use.

They were all so excited to find treasure no one thought of wrapping up some sweet potatoes or cassava as a snack to keep them going. Not even their favourite fermented milk. They were about a one hour walk from their homestead through the forest over the rickety bridge over River Sese which was rumored to have toe eating fish.

“What are we going to do now?” Cedric asked Anyango. Anyango sighed, she dropped to the ground and lay on her back sucking in the scent of the soil and fresh grass. Cedric bent over and plucked a blade of grass and put it in his mouth. “OK?” he lay right beside her. They only had 5 more days left before they headed back to the city, the end of a great holiday with grandma. Why on earth did they not find anything?

“Maybe we should try and look at the map differently, may it was upside down?” Tony uttered.

“See that fancy arrow at the bottom-right of the paper with an ‘N’ on the top? It shows us how to follow the map.” Cedric barked sarcastically.

“True north is what it is called!” Odhiambo stated matter of fact. Tony sneered at his cousin.

What were they going to do now? Stay or try digging at another boulder. The rocks were huge and thousands of years old, how was a bunch of teenagers and 6 year old Maria going to find that secret treasure?

Cedric had an idea, but Anyango was not going to like it.

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You really SUCK!

“Give it up for I SUCK!” The MC yelled.

The crowd cheered and went wild. About 30 seconds later, Billy was nowhere to be seen, his band was in the shadows waiting for his cue so that they could get jamming. Billy froze starring straight at this percussionist and back up vocalist; Jimmy. Jimmy tactfully tried to nod him toward the stage.

The MC was kind enough to make it look like it was his goof calling the lead act too early. He joked and rambled on for another 5 minutes.

“Now without further a do; I think I got it right this time – YOU SUCK!”

The crowd went wild and this time Jimmy didn’t wait, he cued the band and they hit it. Billy panicked, holding his mic, the crowd sang along to their, “Like an Idiot” lead single. The crowd played along, they knew YOU SUCK had unconventional concerts they thought that the lead singer would chime in with them as he did sometimes; letting the crowd lead as he followed.

Billy staggered on stage, the crowd went wild, people began to faint the room was thick with excitement and perspiration.  Billy lifted the mic to his mouth and as he opened his mouth he barfed on stage. The room fell still. Then some weird bozo from the front of the crowd by the stage yelled.

“AWESOME!! YOOOOOOUUUU SUUUUUUUUUUCK!” he then made a barfing sound and the crowd joined in the barfing simulation. Billy laughed, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and rocked the mic. His band let the music rip. It was a spectacular mess. It saved Billy. It made no sense though that the stage fright paralysed Billy this much. But who cared? The crowd loved it. The stage crew creatively went about mopping up the puke from the stage. The crowd fell for it thinking it was a new dance move, bobbing heads swinging arms and inching side to side in some form of wave.

The night was young and the sprinklers were laced with booze dousing the crowds now hypnotized by the chaotic sounds of YOU SUCK! It had been four hours in and the concert was reaching its crescendo. Billy flung himself into the crowd to surf. He barfed again on a fan who smeared themselves with his puke. “I love you Billy! YOU SUCK!” The crowd went wild tossing Billy back on stage. The man was clearly ill but who cared, when your band is called YOU SUCK. You can get away with any kind of insanity.