The bus smelt funny, but I was too tired to care. It had been such a long journey to Nyaridori. It was like travelling to the end of the earth. The bus trip was a catastrophe, petrol stations and other decent stops on the route were ignored by the driver. Instead the asswipe would pull the bus over at random stops and tell us to pee in the bush. It would help if there was some foliage, but all there was, was dry and burnt savannah grass and ankle high shrubs.
I wasn’t interested in waving my goodies to my fellow passengers. Just because we travel together doesn’t mean we need to let it all hang out for each other. I sat next to a woman who smelled like a team of sweaty construction workers, breaking their backs on a hot day. And boy this woman the size of a needle could pack down a dozen wildebeests and put Lions to shame. Boiled maize hawked out the window she would beckon. “Leta!”
Roasted peanuts. “Leta!’ Bananas “Leta” Boiled eggs “Leta” after the request for boiled eggs, I knew I was in for problems. And true to form. Just 5 hours into a 14 hour trip this woman was passing gas through any opening the good Lord blessed humanity with. I got so sick I found myself involuntarily yell “Jesus save me from the constipated demon torturing me.”
She was so full of gas she couldn’t complete a sentence of admonishment without aerating her body even further. I started crying I couldn’t help myself, I was beaten down by gas. I screamed out loud again from my seat and demanded the bus pull over. I gave the woman my own cash to get public transportation and demanded she gets thrown out. The fellow sufferers seated around me echoed my sentiments. And with that the literal human fart was sent off. We had to stop to aerate the bus a few kilometers later and just have everyone take eno to get the bad gas out. Dreadful!
7 hours later we were at Nyaridori, the usual flailing, screaming and wailing went on as the coffin was pulled out of the hearse. I cried not out of loss, but trauma. Too exhausted to eat, I found another bus that was relatively more appealing on the outside. It was dark, I did not care, I plunked myself on the last seat kicked off my shoes and slept.
5 hours in, nature called loud and clear, I had to pee. The bus was now reeking. I had no idea what it was. I put my feet on top of what I thought was my shoes. Since I was sleepy I dismissed the unusual warm and softness of my shoes. I felt my shoes move then I strained my eyes open to see what it was. I heard a bleat, and I felt something hot pour on me with a series of small balls. “What the hell?”
I pressed a button on my phone to light up the screen and see what that was. A sheep had just peeed and pooped on me and was happily chewing curd. I looked at what was sleeping around me; chicken, a goat had eaten one of my shoes, more sheep and a random cow mooed. I started crying again, and then I did what any normal person would do get out. I looked around and at arm’s length was a window. I opened it and flung out. And landed head first in cow patty. I cried some more.